I fell asleep before I remember you trying
I’ve mastered laying behind you crying
Some nights it’s so hot I feel like I’m frying
Others I shiver in the chill, lying
In frozen sheets just prying
Into myself, shying from the dirty bits
But diving into the polished habits
Denying they face opposition
But in this repulsive feral, fetal position
With wet cheeks and fists ready for inquisition
I know I’m feeding a buzz busy with decisions
That only lead to me getting worst
I send emissions through the duvet
But you don’t listen, you’re oblivious to my collision
And it’s helping, helping me envision
A day I won’t be plagued with myself
You give me permission to not tighten
But the stealth of my melt is mighty, some weeks nightly
Rightly you get tired of it but then I get feisty
I hate that you don’t hate me
Then take ill over what I’ve created
We kiss, it’s all crackle and bliss, then I roll over
You move closer
But I’m already in a new world by then
Taken over by this dark den that collapses the bedroom
A dragon infested lair where I’m the only human in existence
Being fed poisoned letters, slipped right into my dripping mouth
There’s no way out, there’s no flounce in the torture
It’s just pure agony
This self hatred is grabbing me
Coiling her neat dagger nails round my belly and-
You’ve put the telly on
I snap back to reality
Your hand on my hip and my feet touch your feet
I could give up this gloom
And just sink into you
I could retire this mood
And just sink into you
But I’m more familiar with the troubles
Than I am with not
But I want to choose love
I roll over again, this time I’m in a world
Where the white bedsheets stay white
The white walls stay white
The white door stays white
The TV light blares bright
And there’s no pixies polluting my sight
You put an arm round my shoulder, pull me closer
But I don’t fight
I think of all those times I laughed with you
Or told you about myself and didn’t hide
I think about all those nights
I walked away with a smile, even when in the darkness
My thoughts turn their most vile
I think about how I don’t want to escape you
Not even for a little while
I think about the fact you make me feel beautiful
Even if a million voices go against your compliments in my mind
I think about how kind you are, how you bring peace to my wild
I think about that day I cried and you held me like a child
Then built back up my courage to give the trigger another try
Which I did with success
I think about how you’ve bought out my best
I think about all this stress I press into my muscles
And then you caress that spot and nest
A soft chin on my head
I remember all the lovely things you’ve ever said
I think about how I want you to hold me until I’m dead
And you’re dead
And then I start thinking about you dying
And I’m filled with this dread
And then I’m sure I’m the cause of your life’s ruination and I’m sure I thread
The hot rage throughout your bones
And then I’m sure I’ve thrown
You into a way of living you never would’ve wanted to own
And I’m sure I’ve just blown your head off and on it’s place there’s grown
This-
And then, you turn the telly off
You’ve not been thinking anything like I have
You’ve not been staring at the sky’s black
And your embrace hadn’t slacked
I’ve gone off track again
Let the brutal whack of my brain
Take reign and ruin me
Ruin you, try to ruin you
But I’ve had enough of this
I’ve lived squished under the thick risk
Of myself since I became it
At what point do I stop to blame it?
I can name it, but can’t seem to tame it
I think at this point I could print it out and frame it
Get on my knees every morning and night
And try charm it into benevolence
But none of that is relevant
I’m just fantasising again as usual
Heavenbent but down there seems elegant
Edgy and appropriate
Promising diamonds and mansions
But I’m rhinestone to the core and fed a tent
I’m bored of being so upset
You’ve made me want to be happy and content
And you provide all of that
I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face
Race to make your coffee
And come back up to place it next to you
Trace your freckles and tattoos
And make myself use the dopamine you ooze
I love you
And this morning I know and don’t battle
Your reciprocation
I want to spend every day breaking going against my hesitation
And just enjoying the simplicity
And the making
Of this life we now collaborate
But neither of us feature
We share
I was slipping onto the dark path again
But you’ve saved my every step
From going there.
By Lyric Deep.
Lyric Deep™ 