A Supersize Poem About Wanting To Be Thin

It’s weird talking to young girls

Who don’t have eating disorders

I developed mine when I was twelve

And could never imagine being fourteen

And not caring how many calories

Is in the dinner I’m eating


You took me to dinner

We ate as we spoke

And my thank you

Was my fingers down my throat

On my way back

I walked the long way home

Then I stared in the mirror

Poking at my bloat

I only ran a bath to mask

The sound of me vomiting

It feels like forever

I’ve been promising

I’d stop all this silly stuff


I locked myself inside for years

Worried the world would see me

The way I saw myself

That people would look at my legs

My stomach. my cheeks, my chest

And wonder how I got so fat


I brush my teeth and go upstairs to bed

So I don’t have to eat dinner

I sleep with dreams of waking up

Thinner. I pick lunch from my gums

Swallow it, kicking stomach

First one down.

I watch TV, with beautiful women

In beautiful gowns, it’s a trigger

The scales drop but in the mirror

All I see is bigger and bigger

And bigger.


She told me she just loves food

It’s her favourite thing in the world

She cooks different meals

For the family, but mostly herself

Gloats about the calorie rich platefuls

She even laughs about it


I wear clothes to hide my figure

I chain smoke cigarettes and drink coffee

Like it’s Saturday night’s liquor

The only thing my tongue touched

Today is the Rizla

I waste away my wasting away hiding it.

I lose my losing myself, I blindside it

With finding little things to hate.

Things no one else sees.

Things no one else is allowed to.


He doesn’t care that he is obese

That he can’t breath going up stairs

He dances without any shame

He moves his body in its oceanic ways

He sleeps with whoever he pleases

Confident in his skin, always has been


I berate past appreciations

I’m embarrassed to have ever loved my smile

Now all I see around my mouth is

Creased skin.

Indents between my eyebrows from frowning.

Even when I’m afloat, I feel like I’m drowning.


She takes photos in her underwear

And shares pictures in her bikinis

Love handles look like elephant ears

And ankle bones hidden under fat

She looks gorgeous, glorious

And she agrees wholeheartedly


My weight fluctuates and it takes me back

To older days of monitering it twenty four times

In twenty four hours, praying to have shifted

Even a gram for gram’s sake

And if it would raise, it would only break

My weak heart all over again

I think back, and think shame

To have wasted so much time

Obsessed with the figure, obsessed with my figure

And I figure, what a lame hobby.

Begging for my thighs to part and create space

For knobbly knees, protruding collarbones

And fingers like lace.

Crying in the mirror, as all I saw was bigger

Than what I have ever really been.


She says she prefers herself heavier

When she was so skinny

She looked ill, emaciated, childish

She doesn’t know I’m jealous

Of the parts of herself that she hated

She loves the parts that now look like me


I would look at girls under a hundred pounds

And it would set off this covetous rage

Something I had never felt before

Angry at myself for being twenty more

And as I bled more regularly, I’d start binging

Fingers wet after every evening’s meal,

Snot streaming, heavy breathing

And sweat steaming.

Then I lost my flow, the only red that poured

Came from my wrists, it trickled, tickled

My elbows, danced to my thighs

and dropped to the carpet.


He has a podgy, padded beer gut

That he balances his pints on

He has thin legs but a double chin

He’s never thought about his weight

In anyway other than a number

The doctor reveals at checkups


It was never shopping with friends, it was self loath

I couldn’t bare anyone to see me in new clothes

I was closed. Locked in my room, secrets of hell close

And insecurities I held close

I still hold them with a tight grip

My seams are ripping with fierce destruction

I’m tired of hating my body.

It’s the only one I’ve got, I chuckle softly

But the laughter is only forced and again

I’m floored by this godly insecurity

That brings me comfort, oddly


She wants to gain weight, wait, what?

Says boys like girls with extra cushion

And a fat arse is all the rage nowadays

But the thighs have to match, you know

She’s been eating ice cream, cake, takeaways

They aren’t binges. She doesn’t feel guilty


Bed ridden, I haven’t been drinking or eating

I can’t move from the sickness or how hard

My heart is beating.

My body trembles, I’m weak and fleeting

In and out, disorientated and needing

Some sustenance but I can’t bring myself to get it

I know as soon as I eat I’ll regret it

This little voice wants to destroy and I let it

Another evening spent

Hungry

Alone

And I can’t wait to forget it.


They don’t view their bodies

In any other way than something

That they’ve always had

They don’t know the feeling

Of forcing food down, forcing food up

And eating laxatives like Smarties


I finally told you how I felt without protest

I said how I hated myself

And you couldn’t understand my detest

You listed all my good bits

My smarts, my creativity

My heart and most of all

My beauty

I just laughed, said I don’t see

What you must see

I appreciate the attempt to assure me

But I assure you my insecurities

Are stronger than you affirming my abilities

You said in my heart is purity

But my brain is tainted by this need to hate itself.

To berate itself,

To snake itself,

To forsake itself,

To break itself,

To make itself

The enemy.

Well, I said, then call me the villain

Because if you’re only going to try to fix me

Then I don’t want to listen.


I hope they never find out.



By Lyric Deep.

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