And another year wraps itself up. Snow came early and the cold came committed. Christmas is right round the corner even though halloween feels like it was yesterday. The days go slow but suddenly another week has passed by. You get a lot done but it still don’t feel enough. Yet what a 2022 it has indeed been.
Coming off the tail end of COVID had a strange impact on everything. Those two years of horror, fear and isolation seem so vague and blurry. All of a sudden things were just kind of back to normal. I started the year completely different to how I’m ending it. At every moment of ‘now’ you think you know everything you can know, then suddenly you change completely and things look, taste, smell, feel different. You see the world in a new light and can’t believe you condemned/celebrated whatever it is that has now shifted. This year has been full of that for me. My opinions have transformed completely and it is an interesting observation to mark. Being further into my twenties I am feeling womanhood bloom in spectacular ways; I’m feeling older than ever and I love it. The maturity I am experiencing is providing betterment in all aspects. I no longer seek what I deem irresponsible and juvenile but pursue things that furnish duty, comfortability and progress. I want security. I want to work hard and enjoy the benefits of such doing. I want to shake the insecure fears that hold a lot of us back. I want to embrace life rather than punish or reject it.
I spent half of my year shovelling drugs into my body, going out and luxuriating in hedonism, and the other half working, writing and just drinking coffee. I loved both. I learnt in both periods and I gained different things in both, one teaching being balance and also how to identify what is needed and when. I work all week then I let my hair down on a Friday night. Not I party all week and have a shift Saturday night only to get home, change clothes and go back out partying. I have found that without the stability of a job, or something of similar solidity, regularity and focus, it is easy to turn minor inconveniences into major disturbances. You spin out of control because you have no distraction. That is not to say you can’t still struggle whilst working, or that the work itself can’t contribute to problematic mental health, but to have healthy diversion that isn’t drugs or alcohol can have huge benefit. I am pretty sensitive and I can completely go off the deep end at the slightest knock. I become obsessive over things and they either make me really angry or really upset. But if I have something to get stuck into I can find a bit of alleviation from the topic at shaking hand even if just for a little while. Then that distance can help me step back and observe the thing that’s wound me up with more clarity and breathing space. Then I write a poem and feel better all over again. I suppose it just comes down to getting to know yourself better and identifying vices to cushion falls. It’s fucking hard and I certainly am no expert in reigning my brain in but every day I learn a new way to deal with myself. I think that’s the true answer; to never stop looking for it.
It has been a very creative year for me. I have written a lot of stuff, really sculpting a deeper understanding of my voice and what I want to say with it, but also accepting that the metamorphoses in other aspects will also effect my artistic work. I was really stubborn with my poetry for a long time but by being more open minded I have actually seen I am capable of more things than I knew possible. My style evolves with me and it’s not a rejection of what I love but just an addition to the sum. I don’t ever want to be stuck. I don’t ever want to feel like I am in front of a brick wall and there’s no way to overcome it. I really felt the power and magic of creativity this year. I listened to music that got into my bones, read books that will stay with me forever, made my own music that I am so proud and passionate about, wrote things that really excited me. I discovered the band Lake Street Dive later this year and they have blown me to pieces. They are so eclectic, individual and strong. They have inspired me so profoundly. Finding them reminded me how I felt when I first found Kae Tempest. Where you think you had to have been lost before because how could you have been complete without this? If you’re stuck for something to listen to I couldn’t recommend them enough. They do what I want to with music, craft an encyclopaedic sound that reaches any age, gender, community. The list goes on. This year I have read twenty-one books. It is less than the last two years, but I have lived more. I have explored life off the page and in return it has contributed to my own work.
I’ve spent time with some amazing people this year, too. Some have passed by, each of us serving our purpose in the relationship, giving what we needed to give to one another then dividing. I am not desperately protective over longevity. I think many times you come into someone’s life, and they yours, and it doesn’t need to be forever, because you walk away after it having gained so much. But others really are for life. I am surrounded now by people who I trust and who look after me, not people who destroy me. I can drop someone like a sack of shit after a small hinderance unfortunately; it is something I’m working on (in other words, forgiveness). I get so triggered by the thought someone doesn’t love me as much as I love them or that I care about them more than they care about me and before I even let them close enough to discuss that point I will try to cut ties. Thankfully I am in a community that doesn’t make me second guess their like or trust. It’s actually really powerful and special, and I don’t waste a minute not being grateful for it. I also live in a house with three people that I know I can run to if anything goes pear shaped. I literally have love on the doorstep. That security, even if I don’t end up reaching out, creates a sense of peace that is invaluable. When I was younger I lusted after that hectic living; I really did want things to be awful just so I could be awful in response to it. But with that maturity I spoke about earlier, I am now learning that a simple life is a happy one. I want things to be easy, comfortable. Never tangled. Never hard. Never scary.
Usually I plot and plan for the next year quite extensively. But I am just taking it as it goes for 2023. Things are all okay. They don’t need to be spectacular, as long as they are not fucked, it’s fine. What I have learnt mostly is that not caring is not always a bad thing. I have always been the type to get so whipped up in life’s tempests that I live more dizzy than not. I think I will always be that way. I still care so much about things, all I have done is shorten that list. Instead of giving the deepest fuck about literally everything and getting exhausted and let down, now I just concentrate that feature of myself into the most pressing and present parts. I found a solution rather than a rejection. I don’t have time to focus energy into childish pursuits or problems. I still gossip and bitch way too much, something I plan to cut down on every year and never fucking do, but ultimately I don’t drain myself on other people’s bullshit like I always have. I see now that positive things deserve more care than negativity does. On my bad days I can get a bit too invested in the stupidity but I try hone my giving a shit into the important stuff more. I suppose I should try go all yoga and cut the gossip out all together, but how fucking boring is that?
I don’t really want for nothing in the new year other than more growth and gratitude. In 2022 I couldn’t believe how much new stuff I was introduced to inside me. I am refining who I am everyday, and I hope youse are experiencing something similar. I never want my individuality to get lost. I don’t care what the world sees or thinks they know, it is about how I comprehend my humanhood. And oh how this newsletter has been all about mwah. Maybe I do need a diary.
We have recorded a single that will be coming out at some point. It is all about my love for writing and how I feel it is my purpose. We are booked to record our nine-track album in the studio in February which will also be released in 2023. A lot of exciting things to come in regards to Lyric Deep Ltd. We are going to try amp it up more so on social media too, try to build a heavier presence on there to promote and share our work.
May you all have a beautiful Christmas and New Year, full of blessings and gaiety and creativity and love and fun.
WIAEA (What I Am Excited About):
Song: Know That I Know by Lake Street Dive – To be fair with this band I could just list their whole discography and call it a day. I love this tune because the lyrics are so unique and sweet and the music carries them phenomenally, just as her glorious voice does. The whole piece is just effortless.
Book: Yes I Can by Sammy Davis Jr – This is one of the best biographies I have ever read and I’ve read a lot. The creative non-fiction style of retelling is just brilliant, the insight into growing fame as well as being a black man doing it in that time period in America is gut wrenching yet inspiring. What an amazing man Sammy is. His stories feed and feed and feed, you love and you hate along with him. This doesn’t just tell the story of one man, it tells the story of anyone who can relate to a certain aspect of him. Truly brilliant.