The Cold Makes Me So 17/05/21


Thank fuck winter’s nearly over!

This year I really noticed the shift in my emotional stability and happiness as the cold grew stronger and the light dimmer. I’d spent summer and early autumn doing a lot of gardening, yoga, walking, healthy eating, as well as other beneficial activities such as practicing the piano and painting. I was really cheerful most days, feeling well accomplished and energised. I laid in the sun reading a lot. I went to sleep early and woke up between six and seven most mornings. I thought, oh god, I have unlocked the key to unconditional freedom from darkness and suffering. Then the shift in weather happened, and my new routine also took a transposing.

It started to become a chore to get on the yoga mat as the cold made my body feel stiff and heavy. I knew I’d warm up once I got moving, but the pure bother of being freezing for five minutes put me off most exercise. I still managed my practice, but it wasn’t something I was as excited about as I was in summer. I stopped wanting to eat muesli and salads, and constantly craved a fry up or anything made out of flour or butter. I sacked playing the piano off all together. I’m still unsure why on that one. But I’ve had a few sessions on it recently that have rekindled my resting passion and love of the instrument. I could spend most of the week inside, getting no fresh air unless something in the driveway needed tending to. Because of COVID there wasn’t no things to go out and do either, so I was in-between the walls with no motivation or strength.

But these are just the physical things that were effected.

My brain also had a funny turn. I was angry, stressed out, insecure, worried, depressed. I was stuck in a loop, one that kept spiralling down rather than round or up. Looking back at it now, I can objectively view the episode for the two months or so that it lasted. But when I was in it, time felt drawn out. It can often be this way when we’re not doing well. I think it’s important to recognise that the winter months can bring with them darkness. If you’ve been doing well or exceeding in recovery, then November hits and you feel like everything you’ve worked for is lost, please keep in mind that this isn’t you. This is a very common symptom of the end of the year, and nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s easy to feel embarrassed by being lazy over Christmas, hating yourself for slacking with the diet or leaving the treadmill to itself for a few weeks. It’s easy to feel like you’ve lost control over your life, with perhaps time off work and school making you face things you didn’t want to and indulgence being encouraged. It’s easy to feel insecure and socially worn out with having to see family members and friends and posts on social media that trigger whatever is inside of you. It’s hard to overcome these things, and sometimes you just need a rest day from mental wellness. You need to curl up and cry and eat and watch TV and smoke and drink and wank and sleep and argue and rage and fuss. Get it out of your system! In winter you want to do all of those things everyday, unfortunately. But realistically that’s two to three months out of a twelve month year. You have nine or ten more to make up for it all and to do the things you want; to do the things that aid your progression. Start preparing for winter in September perhaps. Remind yourself you won’t be as active come November, so make some plans on what you want to do to ensure you don’t get too blackened in the head. 

Spring is a gawjuss time of year. Seeing little green heads poke themselves out of the dirt and dance and twirl and finally sprout, spreading colour all over the landscape, is truly magical. You get the odd day of sunshine, where of course you get sunburnt in the most awkward places, but that little bit of heat reminds you of what’s on its way. Insects start singing in the auditorium of the air, your weighing hunger lifts and a plateful of greenery is what you fancy most. The lockdown restrictions have lifted a bit here in England, so finally seeing friends and family has of course brightened many of our lives. Things just feel like they are getting better, getting lighter. We have summer arriving in a couple of months, and that is always something to look forward to. I ain’t keen on the cold. It is beautiful, in many ways. I find in bleakness you can identify the intricacies of nature and her skeletons. But my body feels uncomfortable in it. I don’t like having to tense my muscles to be able to breath properly. I love the heat though. I love being tanned and going out without a coat and laying in the grass chatting with friends. Soon come, soon come.

I just wanted to post this incase anyone else has been struggling over winter. It can be really hard and really lonely. But we have the seasons for a reason. Our bodies are of course going to follow their lead. Just look at the seasons’ effect on nature, and as we often forget, we are part of that. The moon effects the seas; we are roughly 60% water! That’s why the cycles are so important. The seasons are the same. We bloom to our full potential over the summer months, and we need to shed our petals over winter to renew for spring. It is an important transition and it is how we grow. Try to rest and heal over winter. The world isn’t going to end if you don’t go for you run one idle Tuesday, or if you order a Dominos because you can’t be bothered to make dinner. It won’t implode because your skin is pale and spotty, or your belly is a few inches bigger than it was a few months ago. It won’t be the death of you to have a sofa day and just relax. 

I’m trying to feel less guilty about my space on earth. It’s a fucking hard process. Let’s try do it together.

In Lyric Deep news, I’ve made an Instagram account! Everyone and their mother has been advising me to do so, but as I don’t use social media personally, I was afraid to create profiles for my work. I didn’t want to be sucked back into Kardashian-world and lose the connection I’ve made to ‘real life’ since deleting my accounts a couple years ago. But I had a real think about it, and I see it is one of the ways creatives can really share their work nowadays. And I’ve been having a lot of fun working on the layout of my Instagram and making little edits to advertise my posts. Give me a follow if you want – I’ll return the favour!

The account name is: @lyricdeepltd

You can also find my Instagram, Twitter and YouTube through the social media menu at the bottom of pages on the website and at the top of the page beneath the banner.

I’ve also made a Bumble account. Bumble has profile options, depending on what you’re looking for. You can choose to make a dating profile, a friend profile, or, what I’ve done, a business profile. This lets you connect with other people looking to share their work and network. It’s a great resource, and I recommend it to anyone who wants to connect with other people and share their work to a bigger audience.

Females make the first move on Bumble too, which is a pretty cool setup. I feel protected by this, and in control of who gets in touch, as I only want it for business matters. I was impressed that Bumble has this as the process. I think many women will feel the same.

So, we can all stop being miserable little cold, podgy moaners and start to take summer in our stride. Well, I know it’s not that easy. But I think if you’re like me, you start to get addicted to being depressed. You start to become afraid of not being down and insecure and anxious, as you’ve been that for so long. But that’s old school. We don’t have time to waste feeling like shit no more. I have to remind myself, that I would never speak about someone else the way I speak to myself. Why do I deserve all of my venom? The answer is, I don’t. It’s a process and it’s a journey, but being on it, even if you’re only making steps and not strides, is what matters. You may fall off it and wander around in the ditch for a bit, but once you get back on, things will move forward again. 

I took a step and made an instagram, even though I was afraid to, and it has really paid off. What is something you’ve wanted/needed to do for ages, but haven’t? What’s stopping you? What is really at risk? Think about it, be honest with yourself, and if it’s still something you want/need to do, just do it. You may be disappointed if it don’t work out, but it will be nothing compared to the feeling of missing out if you never try it in the first place. LOVE.

WIAEA (What I Am Excited About):

Song: Nutshell by Alice In Chains – I’ve loved Alice In Chains for a long time, but it was more of a casual admiration. Recently, though, I’ve been listening to them a little bit none stop. Layne Staley is by far one of the greatest vocalists of all time; his ability to convey emotion through performance is crippling and gorgeous. Nutshell is one of my favourite songs by the band, the lyrics are incredible. The MTV Unplugged performance is well worth checking out too!

Book: My Name Is Why by Lemn Sissay – My God, what a heartbreaking book. It is the (true) story of a black man’s life in the foster care system in northern England in the 70s and 80s. Tears have been shed, but insight has been gained. Your heartstrings will certainly get a playing with this book, but I think educating ourselves on other people’s experiences in this life is vital. My Name Is Why is a huge lesson in compassion, love and understanding.

Take care,

Lyric Deep.

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