Be You To Not

I still listen to that playlist of our summer

I look at photos from then,

Walk past the wine shop,

The overground, 

The athletics track,

And hear, feel, see,

Taste and touch our ghosts.

I don’t think I ever won’t.

You’re still a spirit of yester 

I’m fragmented 

Split into the past and the future

But I can’t seem to put my lips

On the present yet

Like I pressed them into you

With the mite of ancestors at war

Kin at the push of birth

And friends when they drink too much

I’m smeared 

With you all over

It’s not Mac claret anymore

Or blue dust

Just a deathly paleness

That sinks out when I sink into

What used to be

I mean it when I say I’m happy you left.

But it’s not true,

(As you haven’t)

You still linger like decades of chain smoking

On the living room walls,

Scars that healed too slowly,

And the tattoos I cover myself in –

You were there for the first few –

The first drops, come ups, fall downs…

Do you not see the pattern here?

I stitch myself into it

You’re my skeleton, my silhouette 

My mannequin, truthfully

Lifeless, still, devoid of any animation

But I dance with your coldness

When the moon convinces itself that I’m worthy of it

I ache, not physically,

In that regard I’m strong, a little bit bloated, but capable

(Inside I rumble with desire)

This pushing pull that tells me I’m not full anymore

I had all the bits to make you up

  • That leopard dress
  • That purple tipped wig
  • That face powder
  • That lace nighty
  • That grinder

But maybe I’m ready to step into myself

Without imitation 

Or regret

No, that’s premature.

I need to become you in order to escape you

I need to get fucked up, get fucked, sing melancholically, listen to Leonard Cohen, lie, steal, manipulate, possess, pose, prey, pray, starve, binge, cry, laugh, fight, forgive 

So I can learn that I don’t want to do, or be, any of those things 

Ever again.

Tonight I’ve stripped myself,

Taken off all the makeup, all the made up proprieties 

That I thought kept my foundations in place. 

I’ve deleted you; wiped you from my hard drive

And been reborn as the body, mind, spirit, soul and skin I’ve always been

That was hiding underneath the trench coat of puppy’s lust.

So, I’m naked,

Vulnerable, even.

But I like it

I’m touching everywhere, 

Rubbing up to my deserts,

And pouring over my ditches.

Famous Blue Rain coat came on

And I skipped it…

Now that’s what I call 


By Lyric Deep.

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